wapish. whapak. wahoo.

.

Masyado akong masaya.

(Yeah, trust Kristel to find drama in happy.)

Like i always say, i’ve always been happy. Family, Friends, School, Job. Sure, I’ve always had complaints, but then again what would i be if i wasn’t being the drama. But now because of the, ahem, Love factor, i’m extra extra happy. As in  oh-my-

gulay-is-this-real-i-pray-it-is-but-if-it’s-not-please-don’t-let-it-end-anyway happy! 

But too much of anything has its bad.

Because I am so happy, little things get to me and get to me BIG
TIME. I used to obsess like no one can. I now obsess like everyone
can…combined. ;p

Yesterday, I was talking to him and the line got cut, and he didn’t call back until after  four minutes later. And i got upset.

I spent the whole day walking and got so tired so at the end of the day i cried .

It’s sick. Really. It’s annoying. Even I’M annoying myself.

Hell, i used to work 48 hours, get into a fight with someone, slam doors and walk out and STILL have the energy to smile and party.

And now i sulk because he dropped my hand for 10 seconds while we were walking?

Ibang level ng ka-O.A.-an diba?

I just last night vowed to keep my emotions in check but then this morning,  I read a Yahoo! article that legitimized my worries and validated my insanity. And basically, well, gave me an excuse ;p

"… a hidden price of being happier on average is that
you put your short-term contentment at risk, because being happy raises
your expectations about being happy. When good things happen, they
don’t count for much because they are what you expect. When bad things
happen, you temporarily feel terrible, because you’ve gotten used to
being happy.

"I have some friends who are very well off and have great lives," said Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychologist at the University of California at Riverside.
"If you ask them, they will say, ‘I am very happy,’ but the most minor
negative events will make them unhappy. If they are traveling first
class, they get upset if they have to wait in line. They live in a
mansion, but a little noise from their neighbors infuriates them,
because their expectations are so high. Their overall happiness is
high, but they have a lot of daily annoyances."

Researchers had found that people need a certain ratio of positive to
negative events to be happy — couples, for example, seem to need about
three times as many positive interactions with each other as negative
interactions to feel satisfied with the relationship. A variety of
therapists have focused on trying to increase the ratio of positive to
negative events in their clients’ lives.

Oishi’s research also provides an intriguing window into why very
few people are very happy most of the time. Getting to "very happy" is
like climbing an ever steeper mountain. Additional effort — positive
events — doesn’t gain you much by way of altitude. Slipping backward,
on the other hand, is very easy.

…"A preponderance of positive events in a relationship might somehow be
beneficial to one’s global happiness but detrimental to one’s mood or
daily happiness, in the sense that having high expectations for
positive events reduces the impact of each new one."

People and couples who start out the happiest, Bradbury said, might
be most vulnerable, both because it is much easier for them to slide
back down the mountain than to go further up, and because being
euphoric at the outset raises their expectations that they will always
be happy. Actually, when you start out very happy, you have to run
pretty hard just to stay where you are."

.

I guess when you get to the best, there just really is no going back.
You imagine a life less happy and it just becomes unthinkable.

I used to worry last year–during the first months of hitting bliss–
that it wouldn’t last. But now i find that it’s still here. yun nga
lang, it’s interrupted.

It may seem ahh-the-problems-of-the-spoiled to most people. But trust me, it’s difficult. But of course i’d rather have this blessing-cum-curse.

They say success is getting what you want and happiness is liking what you get.

But i’ve never learned that. ako kase, my current state of happiness is a result of  getting almost all that i want ;p

So i’ll just have to pray extra hard for happiness to not let go of me.

And we’ll just have to run pretty hard to stay where we are.

.

Too Much Info.
SERIOUSLY.
i don’t have to KNOW these things, you know.
things turn up when i least expect (and when i least want) them.
my goodness goolay.
i deserve my sleep and my meals.
what paolo celho forgot to mention was that sometimes the universe conspires to
simply annoy you.
or gross you out.
sigh.
blessed are the ignorant.
for they know nothing that can hurt them.
blessed are the dumb.
for they shall inherit… uninterrupted bliss.
.

on a different note.
for the first time in my life, i cooked!
well, not really cooked-COOKED, but… let’s use the word ‘cook’ a little
liberally here.
a pan, some cooking oil and some raw meat that got browner after a while.
i made bacon and eggs the other day for myself.

(i sound so self-centered. i’m really not. but for now, let me be. my world has
become so small.)

they are the ugliest eggs you’ll ever see in your life.

sunny side up that got scrambled.

(sorry only my close friends will get how BIG this baby step

is for me.)

he was happy i was able to do it after multiple demonstrations.

and happier we still had an apartment.

but later that night he took the spotlight away by making Chicken Adobo

after 3 years.

adobo which was very good, i have to say.

anyway, enough trivia.
.

i miss TV. we were watching Christiane Amanpour’s report on clashing religions and
God’s warriors. how i’d love to produce and write and shoot again. maybe one
day. again.   
.
and one day, my world will get bigger again. and i will matter again. kahit
papaano.
.
meantime i’ll go back to my temporary bubble.

where it’s happy.

where it’s lonely.

where unnecessary, uncalled for, unwanted
information slaps you in the face just for the sake of.
and where adobo and eggs are trophies you hold in your hand.

And victories you blog about.

.

i don’t cook.
and i don’t want to learn to.
but i do give a mean massage.
i’m appreciative, generous and very sweet.
but only to people who are sweet to me.
i’m conditional. so what.
i’m not a brat.
the people who have the right to tell me that i am, actually say i’m not.
but i do have high standards.
i expect a lot because i give a lot.
i expect a lot because i deserve it.
i love to laugh.
i love to smile.
but i’ll never back out of a fight, if i know am right.
it doesn’t matter what it’s about.
and if you insist you win, then you lose me.
i can walk away. or fly.
even if i bleed to death doing it.
i’ve never had my heart broken, but i almost died before.
and i lived.
so i know i can almost die again.
and i.
can change my mind.

i don’t really feel like writing. in fact i don’t feel much like anything.
i miss my family so much, it’s heartbreaking.
i miss my friends, my car, my room.
i miss having a job. having a life.
that HE makes me happy is a given, but, y’know, BUT.
i’m bored and though i havent been doing anything, i’m tired.
so far these have been the most unproductive months of my life.
i have made almost zero contribution to the world. i have done nothing to improve society, not even to improve myself.
although i did peel my first potato last month.
and i made my first cup of rice using the rice cooker.
wipe off that smirk.
baby steps.

anyway, sabi nga ng bestfriend ko, this is my song right now (by ugh, fergie):

"And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses his blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
It’s time to be a big girl now
And big girls don’t cry."

so while i’m looking for a job, while am missing home, while am getting bored, while am preparing for wife-hood, while am pushing tears back, yan ang theme song ko.

while am finally getting my lesson in patience, fergie will sing in my head.

how annoying is that.
okay, HE always tells me to be positive, so positive!
how funny is that.

i woke up to a cold morning. something was different. the sun wasn’t burning through the window. and the room wasn’t yellow.
i was not home.
i was in chicago.
.
he prepared my oats, gave me my vitamin c and warned me to not open the door for anyone. (yes, the man knows he’s about to marry a two-year-old).

he gave me a crash course in surviving-the-kitchen-without-having-to-cook.
.
"u can use the oven to bake the pizza."
"oven? u mean that big white rectangular thing over there?"
he smiles.
then instructs me on how to use the toaster.
.
he promised me he’d be home lunchtime to deliver my food. and then he was off to work.
i stood in the living room and listened to his car door slam shut.
then i heard nothing. i cringed.
.
leche, bakit ang tahimik sa istates.
.
i switched the tv on and went back to the room.
i chatted with best friends on ym.
.
two hours later, i got hungry and so decided to toast my pizza slice.
put it on 450, he had said. i remember. and i did just that.
then i turned the knob to 3 minutes.
apparently, he’d said to set it to one minute. but THAT, i did not remember,
so minutes later, i smelled something burning.
.
i texted him, "baby i burned my pizza slice sa toaster."
he called.
"are you okay?"
"yep."
"is the apartment okay?"
"actually nasa kapitbahay na ako, wala na tayong bahay."
he laughs.
.
he comes home at lunch to give me my chicken curry and then takes off again.
.
demmit. what do i do? i did not have a car. i did not have errands. i did not have my bestfriends to surprise visit. i did not have a gym membership. i did not have someone to interview, make kulit, or call. i did not have a job.
i wanted to go to the nearest mall but it was too cold to walk (and get lost).
i wanted to try that cookbook jax gave me, but i dared not, after my toaster extravaganza.
i wanted to do my waxing but the can was at the bottom of my baikbayan box. besides, that could be a "thing to do" tomorrow.
i could unpack and fix my clothes but we hadn’t yet bought a drawer for my clothes. the closet he cleared wasn’t enough to hold my stuff.
besides i’d already washed 3 dishes and already i wasn’t feeling well.
so i slept.
.

i silently thanked God for gifting me with a huge support group.
.
i was still feeling down and restless when i went back in.
then i walked over to where he was sleeping.

.

i don’t think mornings have laid eyes on a more handsome thing.

.
eyes shut, he reached out and pulled me to him. he felt so warm. he hugged me and whispered, "san ka galing?"
.
"out."
he asked, "you cold?"
"no."
"sleep some more."
then he held me closer and dozed off.

.

all at once,  i knew there wasn’t any place i’d rather be.
.
it was a cold morning. the sun wasn’t burning through the window. and the room wasn’t yellow.
i was not home.
but my heart was.
.

.

cemeteries bear witness to grief (and celebration, in pinas on all saints’ day).

churches see happiness, hope and despair (and boredom, on sundays).

hospitals draw anxiety, relief, panic, fear (and satisfaction from the funeral parlor people).

but the most emotional places in the world are airports.

airports play games with the heart. they house the complete range of emotions, from  fear to regret to anxiety, excitement, nervousness, impatience, restlessness, happiness, confusion, exhaustion, anticipation, sadness, love, and missing… and every imaginable human feeling in between that webster doesn’t have a word for.

and more than that, whatever emotion you expect when you get there… HINDI GANON.

at least i speak for myself.

MY airport scenes are never what i imagine them to be.

.

my first airport scene: romantic turned anti-climactic (but sweet).

i pictured my illinois airport scene to fall straight out of a movie. he’d see me first at the arrival area. i’d look around. then see him. from afar, he’d smile. i’d laugh. we’d walk with a spring in our step, but with tentative strides. he’d hug me. i’d hug back. and he’d say something so mouth-watering or tear-jerking. either or. or both.

but no. i got there first. and during my one-hour pacing, excitement turned into impatience which turned into full-blown annoyance. he texted that traffic was a killer. and i was ready to kill him. after an hour and ten, i saw him first from afar (i’d just gone out of the ladies’ room for the fourth time to put lipgloss on and pat my hair into place–the most you can do after 22 hours in the plane without a shower). then he saw me. i gave him half a smile and in a half-icy, half-teasing tone said "one hour eh." buti na lang my cattiness ended there. because if you rewind to 20 seconds back, the first time i laid eyes on him, he was frantically looking around for me with his hand held up high, gripping a hanger from which a lady’s coat dangled from. on the other hand, was a pair of gloves, a shawl, a hat. obviously the whole getup was for me (kulang na lang mannequin), in case i wasn’t prepared for the cold. that melted the ice in me. buti na lang. kundi namatay ang mga rosas na naghihintay sa passenger seat.

.

my second airport scene: dramatic turned erratic

the e-ticket i’d been holding for a month said my flight home was at 11am. but at 730am, we got word that it was at 9. so i showered and got dressed in record time and we rushed to the airport in silence. just gripping each other’s hands. we got there, and he left the car in the driveway, and we slid into the queue. the time was 8:30. we asked the ticket lady what time my flight was. she said 11. we sighed in relief. we had three hours to kiss and hug and make pa-tweetums and prep ourselves for the goodbye. so i checked my bags in. he was just about to move the car and park properly, when i saw the departure time on the boarding pass. clearly, it said 9. i had 25 minutes. i wanted to get angry at the girl but i stopped myself from screaming cause there were better things to do with my remaining 25 minutes. like hugging and crying. but i couldn’t cry because there were more important things to do. like getting my ass on the plane. there was no time to let a tear fall, just enough time for my eyes to well up. and so my pictured 3-hour telenovela scene was cut short. we hugged. he left. he came back and we hugged again. next thing i know, i was being asked if i liked coffee, tea, or juice.

.

my third airport scene: romantic turned… traffic

i was going to pick him up at naia. i was going to make sure there wasnt going to be a repeat of the illinois tardiness. i wanted the complete salubong cheeze. the lighting up of the eyes, the half-running, the guinness record hugging…

but no. kung traffic sa chicago, mas traffic sa maynila. then the whole arrival area was a palengke, and the airport driveway transformed into edsa (-guadalupe area ha) on a friday. during rush hour. na may aksidente. na tatlo. and when i saw him waving in the crowd at me, i parked. but the guard kept making me move my car. so we shoved his bags in, hugged quick and shoved the other bags in. of course later we more than made up for it.

.

my fourth airport scene: dramatic turned… ecstatic

(mygulay, you’re still reading my nonsense?) i’d been crying for 2 days because he was leaving soon. and on the day itself, during the drive to the airport, i had to bite my lip to keep from bursting into tears. (ako pa. eh pag nasimulan ko, hindi ako megastar kung umiyak, na tipong poised at bumabagsak lang ang luha pero walang nagbabago sa mukha. when my tears fall, all other fluids join in… well maybe not all- ALL ;p) so anyway. eto na, paakyat na ng driveway. (this is it, this is it) he got down. got bags, hugged. and miracle of miracles, i did not cry. i just realized all over again how happy i was. so i was smiling til i drove off.

.

so walang tumama sa mga airport  predictions ko.

.

but my fifth airport scene will be sometime in the near future. and THAT, i know will pan out EXACTLY how i picture it to. all those fluids i was telling you about? they will run in a race against each other.

at hindi lang ako.

he says my next airport scene will be bittersweet.

arundhati roy would say "sicksweet. like old roses on a breeze."

but i say it would be one of the three or four days in my life i will feel all the emotions a human could possibly feel.

except fear.

.

beacause this year, i’m jumping.

taking the nestea plunge.

hindi ako masyado marunong lumangoy pero patalikod ako mag-di-dive.

dahil alam kong maligamgam ang tubig at may sasagip sa akin.

.

more than what i’d hoped for.

more than what i asked Heaven.

how you are.

what you give.

who you are.

.

wanted crazyhappiness. got that plus peace.

wanted time. got a lifetime.

wanted a Man. got the Best.

.

and last thursday, wanted a dark chocolate souffle.

got that plus the rest of my life, on a plate.

.

will i?

used to want at least one reason to.

now i got at least a hundred.

okay now.

GAME.

.

.

the past half-year has given new meaning to these age-old sayings for me.

1. so far… so good. (literally )

2. people need witnesses to their happiness.

3. if it’s for you, it’s for you.

4. pag hindi mo hinahanap, dumadating.

5. what goes around, comes around.

6. kay tagal mo nang nawala, babalik ka rin. (gary v.)

7. love is sweeter the 2nd time around.

8. lilipas rin yan.

9. you just KNOW.

10. you never know.

11.whatever love you give out will come back to you a hundredfold.

12. it doesn’t have to be difficult.

13. home is where the heart is.

14. love transcends time and distance.

15. patience is a virtue.

16. once you go black, you can never go back.

;p

oo walang kwenta ang entry na ito.

but like i said, i need witnesses to my happiness.

and chuvaness.

.

i’ve gone normal.

.

.
i used to be a drama queen. ngayon, prinsesa na lang.
i used to be doubtful, ngayon questioning na lang.
i used to fill this blog with streams of words, ngayon smiles na lang.
i used to have so much to say, now i’m content to leave just a few lines.

.

it used to be complicated, now everything’s ridiculously simple.
i used to have at least one person i couldn’t be friends with, now everyone’s making his peace.
i used to have doors slightly open, now they’re all closed, and they weren’t slammed either.

.

i used to hold back, now i play ‘all in.’

everyone used to call me a brat, now there’s someone who doesn’t understand where that label came from.
my status used to change every 3 months… but from here on, it’s only going to change one more time. one last time.
.
i’m telling you.
i’m a changed woman.
i used to be a roaring tiger… now i’m just a tiger ;p
i used to be happy, now i’m happiest.
.

on my birthday, i smiled and laughed throughout the day.
so this is a tribute and thank you to my family, my friends, my love.

.

and to the One above.

.

i thought, ‘it can’t get any better than this.’
then i cried because i was so so happy.

.
galit o masaya…madrama pa rin pala.
guess i haven’t changed THAT much.
pero sabi ko nga, prinsesa na lang.
.
and at 27, i gladly relinquish my crown.

.

jetlag.

why else would i be up at 5 in the morning.

but then again i have no reason to complain. am just happy to be right here, right now 

i’ve always been happy.

but ecstasy? i always believed it came right before the, uh, peak. because after the peak, you have nowhere to go but down.

bliss has always been that moment your tongue touches the tip of the ice cream cone, right before you can actually taste it.

it’s in the one second right before your lips graze his in a kiss.

it’s in the moment your boss says i have news for you.

it’s in the delirious moment before the alcohol fully hits and gets you drunk.

.

life isn’t just about getting IT.

sometimes what you thought you wanted doesn’t always turn out good for you.

sometimes reality doesn’t live up to your imagination of it.

so at least then you had that moment when it was at your fingertips but not yet yours.

and you realize you felt most alive anticipating the ecstasy that was coming for sure but wasn’t quite there yet.

it was in the promise.

.

but this week no such thing happened.

my expectations were not just met, they were exceeded.

i find that some things are better up close.

some realities are sweeter lived out than imagined.

i see half my baseless cynicism wiped out by the chilly chicago winds and i realize that some of life’s surprises are really just that… surprises.

gifts.

.

for the past few months, i’ve been wanting something far, farfetched but real.

and people have been warning me about having my bubble burst. or worse yet, falling flat on my face.

but i’m thankful that i’ve always been one of God’s favorites.

plus. i’m crazy. so i almost always go for it.

.

now without the distance, it has become even more real.

and the reality turns out to be such a dream.

apparently even in this disjointed world (and in this disjointed entry), some fairy tales CAN end happy.

and some princes don’t turn into frogs when kissed.

and some princesses get what they always thought they deserved.

.

even those who are a tad bratty. ;p

.